One Hungry Soul

John quotes Jesus saying that if I love people, God will love me and God and Jesus will make their home in me. 

Lord I totally understand why You wouldn’t want to live in a house wracked with dissension. I fully relate to the desire to live in a home where loyalty and selflessness are the norm. Unloving behaviour reviles me as well Jesus. 

I am not a hateful person, I want to serve and love well – You see that. You also see how annoying, unthinking or selfish others can be – that’s when I react poorly. Put You and me on a deserted island and we would have it made. Now that would be a tension-free home.

So, I guess my question is, do You Guys reside in me all year round? Or perhaps I am more like Your holiday home? Maybe when the weather is nice You turn up and stay as long as it lasts. As long as I stay fed, warm and well rested so I can react calmly to the shit thrown my way – You are happy to stick around? 

Or do You have more grit than first reading of this quote suggests? Do You see with different eyes to me? Is Your understanding of what love looks like different to mine? Do You hope more… trust more? Does my heart’s ache to love well have more weight than my slip-ups in Your books? 

Do You see my disappointment in myself when I snap and have compassion for me, and choose to stay anyway? I want You to call me home all year round.. Is there a way You could all just hole up in a closet as the storm ravages my house and come out again when it’s all clear? 

I read on in John’s recount.. You mention Holy Spirit. Coming to remind me of everything You teach me. Then You talk about peace. Not being troubled. Not being afraid. 

I feel a glimmer of peace. An echo of a reminder – ‘I will never leave you – or forsake you’.

Jesus loves me this I know. 

I ache to feel less troubled, more sure of who lives in me. I dare to form a thought that perhaps You don’t need to shut yourself in a room when the going gets tough. Maybe I’m not left alone to work on better self control or more thorough preparatory self care.

I cautiously imagine a different scene. I see You fearlessly standing on the front porch of Your home in me as the storm rages against us. Calm, unhurried, unperturbed. Not hiding away from my conflict, not afraid of a little dissension. Right here with me in it. Encouraging me to hold on to You, listen to You. Make peace like you do. Perhaps You stay in my house all year round because You know You have my heart – You see that it only wants to please you and You and I both know I have zero hope of loving well without You.