One Hungry Soul

I am the widow of Zarephath. Carefully gathering sticks with a heavy heart, knowing I will use them to bake my last loaf of bread. The last meagre resources I have will soon be gone, then I, and those I am to care for, will slowly and painfully die. This is all I have left. I cannot see how I can give away any more than I have. In all fairness, I have been very diligent and faithful in making the oil and flour last this long. 

You then ask that I take the last of what I possess to feed another mouth? How dare you! Do you see the situation I am in? There is no extra, no abundance to joyfully give from here. I refuse to think this is a selfish desire. There is a limited amount of resource and I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel. 

I see my shrivelled heart. My closed fist. I see the joyless interactions, fraught with anxiety about what might come next. Knowledge is fleeting. Understanding helps for a moment. Self-care is a band-aid, ripped off the moment I come against another request for what I feel I can’t give. The voice of my generation says ‘protect what is mine’ ‘put my own oxygen mask on first’ ‘look out for number one’. Passionate voices argue within me – serve faithfully, imitating your master; however, don’t naively let yourself be used and be an unwise steward of your resources. 

I am terrified of what happens if I give more than I think I have. 

Oh God.

Faith and control cannot exist together in my relationship with you. This is not fullness of life. This is not perfect peace. This is not contentment in all situations – Lord you said all things are possible in your strength. Do I have a form of Godliness but deny its power?

You say trust.

You say I need to lose my life to find it. 

Woah. 

Is this that moment? If I use the last of my oil and flour, do I get to tap into yours for the rest of my life? Is it time to let go? To free fall, trusting your loving arms are not far down? To give when I feel there is nothing left to give? To be wholly and restfully present – trusting you to provide my next meal? Will you take care of me better than I can take care of me? Do you really want full life for me over what I can ‘do’ for you? Are you truly in this relationship purely for my benefit? Can I let go?