One Hungry Soul

So many times this week I have been invited to reflect on the ways I see the love of God in my life. And I can’t.

It’s like there’s a complete fog when I try to recall God’s love.

I know in my head that my life is one big fat reflection of God’s love. But that just makes me feel ungrateful, perpetuating the fog.

I tell God about my fog, confess my ungratefulness, and how I hate my ungratefulness for His love.

I hear it said that I am loved in my sorrow, loved in my agenda. How can this be? What is this love?Doesn’t He know me? 

I think, somewhere along the line, I’ve confused evidence of God’s love with the occurrence of good things happening. That God’s love in my life looks like me having it all together, experiencing ease and success in all my endeavors, God’s love looks like relationship and emotional breakthroughs, like me nailing it. All. The. Time.

A new practice I’m learning is to just sit in my sacred favorite place in my head with God near to me, smiling, loving me. At first I saw Him sternly sitting there, judgement and disappointment flashing across His face. I now recognize that is only a reflection of how I feel when I see me. It takes intense practice to picture God there, smiling. When I turn back from my wandering mind – to see Him still smiling – it hasn’t faded because I’ve zoned out from our time together, His smiling love remains, constant and unchanging.

Smiling in my sorrow, loving me in my disappointment with myself. Smiling when I reveal my agenda – like I could ever surprise God.

Then I chide myself when I realize how immature I still am, that I’m still sitting in Christianity 101, the basics. Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. This stuff is meant for preschoolers.  Why am I such a needy freak who needs God to remind me of His love for me so often?

I tell Him I’ll get it soon, I’m sorry I’m still so pathetic. God just smiles.

Deep down, I know this is where it is going to be for me, for the rest of my life. I will not graduate this class where I need to drink and be filled from those smiling eyes. And I’m relieved. 

My Creator knows that the only good that’ll come from me in this world, is when it is fueled from these moments. When, ashamed and uncertain, I stare into His smile. Seeing His ridiculous love for me when I feel undeserving and unlovable.

I am loved in my sorrow, and loved in my agenda.